I remember in 6th or 7th grade being in a computer class. We had a typing test, where words-per-minute was calculated. I typed over 120 words per minute. The teacher did not believe that I typed the words-per-minute that I did. As a test, I immediately had to repeat the test with the class watching, and the teacher standing behind me watching. I typed over 120 words-per-minute.
Why have I never forgotten that? The allegation was that I cheated. I’ve never cheated at anything in my life. Being a quiet, rule-following student, I don’t recall actually saying anything besides that I really did type that fast. At that time I wasn’t operating with a chip on my shoulder, but I repeated the test and proved myself. Maybe that was the beginning of the chip on my shoulder.
Usually our biggest doubter is ourself, I know in my case that’s true. For some reason it strikes a different chord when an external doubter is blatantly trying to call our bluff. Prove them wrong. When it’s your internal doubt, prove yourself wrong. This may be an “I’ll show you” moment or maybe it’s just our quiet success that speaks for itself. However you need to get there, prove that you are as great as you know yourself to be.
This is a long journey, this career as a physician. We are experts in delayed gratification and learning, but also and unfortunately, doubt and criticism. At any point in the process, from contemplating medical school to applying, to the residency years, doubt is always lingering. We can acknowledge it and choose what to do with it; are we doubting ourselves because our gut is saying this isn’t right? Or are we doubting ourselves because this is a challenge? The same goes for external sources of doubt. Trust your gut. Take the challenge.
In my experience residency was the time of the most criticism. It’s a steep learning curve with a teacher around every turn, lots of opinions and lots of cooks in the kitchen. The criticism is meant to be constructive! For the most part, it is. We wouldn’t graduate with the skill we have if it weren’t for constructive criticism. I was once told by my chief that I should be concerned if the criticism stops, “that means they’ve given up on you.” Learn what you can from every teacher along the way. Choose if their doubt is actually a reflection of you or of them.
I still doubt myself. In the middle of a workout or at the end of a long call week, I’ll think “I don’t think I can do any more”. But I can, and I do. The space between doubt and doing is where excellence happens.
